Hola Dandlelions,
It’s February. Love is in the air, and the spa schedule is filling up with couples’ massages. I love love, like really love it. I’m obsessed with my husband, and being married is my favorite thing.
But this Valentine’s Day, I feel a strong pull to remind us of something essential: loving yourself must be a priority if you want to experience the full depth of love available to you.
This isn’t about a surface-level “treat yourself” moment (although I’m a fan). This is about the deeper work of looking in the mirror and genuinely loving the woman staring back.
A wise man once said the greatest commandment is to “love the Lord your God with all your heart, soul, mind, and strength—and love your neighbor as yourself.” That last part matters more than we often realize.
So let’s talk about why learning to love yourself this Valentine’s Day isn’t selfish, it's necessary, and how neuroscience backs it up.
The Neuroscience Behind Loving Yourself
Our brains are made up of neurons, tiny electrical messengers, that communicate through pathways called neuropathways. These pathways shape our thoughts, habits, behaviors, and beliefs.
Here’s the key: the more a pathway is used, the stronger it becomes.
Think of it like walking through the woods. If there’s a well-worn trail, we’ll take it every time. It may not be the shortest route, but it’s the easiest. Bushwhacking a new path takes effort and can feel dangerous, so we avoid it.
Your brain works the same way. It always defaults to the path of least resistance.
How Self-Talk Becomes Your Reality
We form neuropathways for everything; driving is a perfect example.
When my daddy taught me to drive my 5-speed, 1993 Geo Storm, I had to think through every step: first gear, clutch, gas, second gear, etc. It required full focus. But eventually, it became automatic. Those neuropathways were formed.
Your inner voice works the same way.
The way you see yourself, glass half-full or half-empty, was wired long before you realized you had an inner dialogue.
If every time you look in the mirror you think:
- “I’m getting old.”
- “I look terrible.”
- “I’m such an idiot.”
those thoughts don’t just pass through your mind. They become your default neurological reality.
And here’s the kicker: only you have the authority to tell your brain which path to take. Even the most loving friend can’t rewire it for you.
Why Loving Yourself Affects How You Love Others
Here’s where it gets really powerful.
A 2024, scientific study on emotional contagion found that positive emotions are more contagious than negative ones in close relationships (i.e., spouses, parents, children, and close friends.
What does that mean?
If you want your daughter to grow up with a loving, encouraging inner voice, the most powerful thing you can do is love yourself and let it catch on.
But the opposite is also true. When those closest to us watch us criticize, diminish, and loathe ourselves, that becomes contagious too.
And personally, that lights a fire in me.
I don’t want another generation of girls seeing themselves the way I once did.
You Can Rewire Your Brain (Yes, Really)
Here’s the good news: neuroplasticity is real.
Your brain can be rewired at any age. It’s the same way you learned to tie your shoes or drive a car—through repetition.
The OG neuroscientist Paul of Tarsus said it best: “Take every thought captive.”
Today, we call it mindfulness, and research shows that in as little as four weeks, you can change how you see yourself.
This can feel uncomfortable, especially for women. Negative self-talk has been passed down for generations, but this Valentine’s Day is the perfect time to break the cycle.
How to Start Loving Yourself This Valentine’s Day
Start simple. Starting with truths you already believe may feel easier than jumping straight into the deep end.
For me, that looked like this:
- I am fearfully and wonderfully made.
- I am kind and joyful.
- I take good care of others.
- I am a hard worker.
- I can do hard things.
Once those feel solid, then you take authority over the deeper lies:
- I am lovely.
- I belong.
- I am not alone.
- My gray hair is beautiful.
Speaking these things to yourself often evokes emotion as it unlocks the deep yearning to be loved that’s buried within you. But never fear, it gets easier as the little girl inside learns to trust you!
Make Self-Love a Daily Practice
Loving yourself isn’t a one-time decision or something you reserve for the really hard days. It’s a daily practice, much like physical exercise. The thoughts you think most often are the ones your brain will reach for automatically, so consistency matters more than perfection.
Don’t wait until you’re overwhelmed, exhausted, or discouraged to try to take your thoughts captive. Start now. Practice noticing the way you speak to yourself in ordinary moments, like when you’re getting dressed, making a mistake, or feeling stretched thin. Gently interrupt the negative patterns and replace them with truth.
This Valentine’s Day, instead of focusing only on how to show love to others, make a conscious choice to love yourself on purpose. Speak kindly to yourself. Honor your body. Extend the same grace inward that you so freely offer to everyone else.
Because when you choose to love yourself, you don’t just change yourself; you set the tone for your relationships, your family, and the generations watching you.
My challenge to you is to write down three truths about yourself and speak them aloud every morning for the next 30 days. Loving yourself is a practice, and today is the perfect day to begin.